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I thought that if he was gone, I could make sense of the emotions. I could begin the process of healing. Somehow, I could begin to block him out. How could I even think about blocking my son out? I should have been cherishing every moment with him. Yet I was ruining what I had left. So here I was beaten, lost and never feeling more alone. I couldn't find a solicitor who understood what was at stake, never mind afford the costs of fighting. For the first time in my life, I questioned how much of a man I was. I had never even considered being macho before, or ever felt the need to give off the picture of being a real man. But now I felt it. I felt useless. I couldn't even fight for my son or afford to fight for my son!

Yes, I even thought about ending it all but I didn't even have the strength to do that!

Help from members of the Savanah-Jade group
Then by talking, sharing and believing there are good people out there, I was given a name from someone I did not know, who had no reason to help, but did so because he could. I made one phone call and my world changed;

I was told to picture a scenario.

'Picture driving to the airport and saying goodbye to your son as he leaves to start a new life without you.'

This broke me, literally. All my emotions made sense and I cried like I have never cried before. It was a release, a surge, like someone hitting a switch. The emotions made sense because I now understood them. All along I thought the emotions were ones of rejection, of sudden loss, but I was wrong, so wrong. I now knew my body and mind were hurting so much because I was being told I could not fight. BUT I could fight, and these feelings would force me to continue fighting with every ounce of energy, vigour and raw emotion that I could find and more. I would fight until nothing was left. I would do this because my son means everything and more than anyone could ever understand.

Then reality! How the hell could I do this alone? Who was I? Others trained in family law lost 'good' cases every day. How the hell could I do this?

Keep talking
I did what I would tell anyone to do. I TALKED. Sometimes it takes talking to someone else to find out what you already know. When you are in the position of feeling powerless, feeling a loss of control, beaten down - keep talking, then talk some more - only ever stop talking to take the time to listen to what you have said - the answers will come, because you already know.

I knew the answers, I just had to make sense of them. I studied case law. I placed my own situation into case law. I read Payne vs. Payne, Poel vs. Poel etc. and I found arguments and reason with the help of others, the help of good people, who know what it is like to feel the way I had been feeling. Together I began to build a case, not just a case but a winnable case. An interesting statistic I was told is that the average father going into court has a 6% chance of winning (that is with the help of a legal team) and here I was representing myself. Not only that, but I was being told each time I spoke to [person wishes to remain anonymous] that my chances of success were increasing. So I submitted the forms to the magistrate's court for self representation and began exchanging correspondence with my ex wife's solicitor. It appeared that he failed to recognise the points I was making and believed the law I had quoted in relation to access to information and the welfare checklist did not apply in this case. That made me angry, but more determined. I was spurred on by the fact that at every point I was being obstructed. Undeterred, I kept building, researching, keeping a diary. Day by day, bit by bit my emotions and the fear of breaking drove me to do what was right; not only for me but for my son also.

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